School is bad

School just reopened today and I got back some test results. I feel really down and about. I just don’t know what to do. This feeling of helplessness always grips me tight whenever this happens. My mind is befuddled with negative thoughts all the time just because of one setback.

Please Lord, help me climb over this setback and set my eyes back on where they were, on you and on the road ahead.

And really, please, you who keep jokingly tormenting me about my insecurities and setbacks. I know you’re just joking and don’t think that its serious. But, I really don’t want to be reminded of my failures every time you pull my leg. Thanks. Peace Out.

God Bless.

Its a Saturday night

Its a Saturday night.

I’m in my room just moping around. Yesterday’s gym was tiring and I’m still aching from it. Which is why I didn’t go play tennis today.

Its a Saturday night.

Everyone else is probably out and having fun. Only a few people seem to be online. I have my Aircraft Systems notes in front of me, but I’m not reading it at all.

Its a Saturday night.

I’m feeling totally deadpanned. I’ve watched all kinds of tennis videos on Youtube already, and even some Halo 3 videos.

Its a Saturday night, and I think its been a while since I thought I missed somebody.

I still worship You, LORD

I am currently resisting the very strong urge to self-reprimand. Its not fair. Alright, maybe it is. Maybe everything is fair. I just don’t want to continue. I saw the papers, and I was right in abstaining from informing myself of my results. I hate that word. Results. Its so cold and degrading. So, infinitely dark and deep like a bottomless pit.

Disappointment came in the mail today.

Stupid

Stupid

You’re thinking: UPDATE MORE LA!

No inspiration la.

Fault lines, in my mind

A 7.8 magnitude earthquake hit China recently and the death toll hits 15,000, which is expected to rise. An estimated 25,000 people are still believed to be trapped in the rubble. This brings many thoughts to my mind.

One of which is how safe Singapore is compared to other countries. Everywhere else is ravaged by natural disasters, diseases, widespread crime and poverty. I’m glad that God put me in one of the safest and most well-handled countries in the world and I really thank him for that. Praise God.

Another thought is that, when you see these disaster news on tv, you can’t help but for a second, put yourself in the shoes of those victims trapped in the rubble. Even if its only for a second, the thought is spine-chilling. What would you do? Would you give up? Scream till your lungs give out? Or hope beyond hope that you would live to see the light of day again? I read this newspaper headline just today-”To save her life, they had to cut off her legs”. Its sudden and shocking how a day in your workplace/school can become the worst day of your life. Brings out the reality of how precious yet fragile life is.

I’m relieved Singapore doesn’t have a fault line under it.

The universal constant.. Broken.

I’m no doctor on relationships at all. Zero. Zip. Nil. GOSONG. And I’m not talking about BGRs’ in particular. I’m talking about human face-to-face interaction.

Once, in primary school, people told me that I was shy, unassuming, nice kid. And I really thought that, that was really all to it. That, being nice would make people like you or, if not, at least leave you alone. This notion stuck with me for quite a long while. Until secondary school, where I met many new people. They weren’t bad at being people, or friends. I know I was a good person. I never swore uneccessarily, I never got angry easily, I tried to be there for every outing, meeting, and gathering. And yet some people just can’t seem to decide whether they want to be my friend or not.

I’m just stunned at some people who make fun of their friends just want to liven up the atmosphere. (This is why I don’t know what the term ‘friends’ really means now) Not being a spoilsport here, sure, I can take a few hits directed at me. I’ve taken alot really. From someone. Sigh. I mean, I can deduce that he looks down on me. What kinda friend is that?? How do I define the word? The term. Friends? Being nice to others. Does it bide well for oneself? Even so, is it a universal constant? Doubt it so much now. I’m not replying to anyone who replies to this post, sorry.

“Do unto others what you want others to do unto you”
Should’ve added a note on the 2% success rate this truth achieves.
ARGH!

Blocked

You know that feeling of wanting to be happy in this way, yet there’s some sort of thing blocking out that flow of joy? I wanna hum this song by Paradise Church all day long:

Forevermore-

Savior of the world
You came & chose me
You breathed into my world & gave me life
You are placed above all that I love
I live to praise You God
I give you more
I sing forevermore

So I sing, sing, sing
You know You’re the reason
I dance, dance, dance
You brought me this freedom
To show the world my life has been turned around.

‘Cos I can’t help shouting
I’ve seen how You’ve changed me
When I was lost
You came and You saved me
I lift my voice in praise for eternity

Forevermore I give You all the praise
I live to know You more
Forevermore I give You all I have and all I am is Yours

Something’s just bothering me. I don’t wanna say what. Just that its more than one thing and its nearly always on my mind.

Not many people know what’s on my mind (in fact none at all). So, its just hard to say anything to anyone and hope he or she understands. I so wanna say something out that I’m writing this post just after my class. This is as ‘emo’ as I’ll get. Sigh. How I manage to stay that tad cheerful most of the time, is really by the grace of God. Always he’s been so good to me. Just that, it gets kinda lonely all the time on my own. Without those by my side. I’m just gonna stop here. Don’t think anyone’ll notice anyway. Good day.

First post in a long while and an ‘emo’ post. Sigh. I need a psychiatrist. Or a guillotine.

Riot, please

The holidays have started. Doesn’t sound too happy, that sentence. That’s because… Actually, I’m just not so happy now. I don’t know why. I’m overjoyed that the exams are over but something else seems to be shrouding that joy in darkness. Sigh. I seem like a very depressed person over these past few posts.

Doctor, please.

Tomodachi

Friendship is a term used to denote co-operative and supportive behavior between two or more humans. This article focuses on the notion specific to interpersonal relationships. In this sense, the term connotes a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, and affection. Friends will welcome each other’s company and exhibit loyalty towards each other, often to the point of altruism. Their tastes will usually be similar and may converge, and they will share enjoyable activities. They will also engage in mutually helping behavior, such as exchange of advice and the sharing of hardship. A friend is someone who may often demonstrate reciprocating and reflective behaviors. Yet for many, friendship is nothing more than the trust that someone or something will not harm them. Value that is found in friendships is often the result of a friend demonstrating on a consistent basis:the tendency to desire what is best for the other, sympathy and empathy, honesty, perhaps in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth, especially in terms of pointing out the perceived faults of one’s counterpart, mutual understanding.

From wikipedia

I just don’t know what a friend is anymore.